We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize