just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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