So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
