census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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