I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
