and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
