Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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