capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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