My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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