It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
