so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
