Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
