I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
