I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
