i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
