i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
