walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
