yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
