i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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