Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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