I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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