does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
