...so i touched it.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
