I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize