i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
