Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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