I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
