Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
