R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i think my cat just said my name.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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