I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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