and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
