I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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