I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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