Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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