I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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