if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize