Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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