I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
