I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
