I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
