Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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