He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
