i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
