your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
