sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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