Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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