I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
