remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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