so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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