This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
