By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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