Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
