he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
