And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
