I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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