Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
