never play flip cup with pint glasses
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
