if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
