You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He shit in the fireplace
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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