Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
