i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Hippo gnu deer
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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