i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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